I have been having a hard time completing a thought lately; I seem to be in some sort of fog. My spiritual director wondered if the confusion I’m holding comes from my diminishment as I age in areas that have defined who I thought I was until now, while broader, more cosmic, spiritual realities are coming into closer focus.
The space pictures the Hubble telescope has sent have impacted me in a way that has opened my mind and heart to the magnitude of the God I serve. He created galaxy upon galaxy. This limitless God has created a limitless heavenly universe. But before He did, He knew me! He created me with a plan for my life. Who my parents would be, who my kids would be what He created me for were already in his mind before He created the limitless universe. He watched over limitless couplings to make sure just the right egg met up with just the right sperm in order have the “me” that was written about in His book, the days that were fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them. Ps. 139:16 I remember seeing a documentary long ago where it was said that a particular bush that grew in the Amazon grew nowhere else and there was a particular insect that ate nothing but that bush. How can I then doubt His same meticulous attention to the details of my life? He knows how and where I live, my circumstances and all the rest. According to what the Book says, He planned it.
I see Him peering through the vastness, the incredible energy, and even through all that, He still has His eye on me! Through the song of the universe He hears me. Such knowledge is too high, I cannot attain to it, as the Psalmist says.
In the midst of the dawning truth of the absolute limitlessness of His magnitude that is cracking my mind open, is the present reality of this aging body. Letting go of what used to be – gracefully or not – seems to be a minute by minute endeavor. Now that I have retired, I no longer have a job description to tell me how to structure my days. I live in a condo and no longer have a house to run or a big yard to care for, and I’m physically unable to do that much anyway. Because all but one of my friends have moved out of state, I no longer have the precious lunch dates with them. All of these things gave me my identity in the world and their loss is being grieved.
At the same time, more of the reality of who Jesus made me to be is slowly coming into focus. Believing, receiving, and adopting this Kingdom truth has been an eighty-two year long process that is nowhere near completion. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I am part of the Bride of Christ, I am His dwelling place, He died that I might live, I am my Beloved’s and He is mine, I am become part of the Holy nation, the royal priesthood, destined to rule and reign with Him throughout eternity.
The landscape of this life is very different than it has been or I ever thought it would be. What an understatement! There is nothing currently in my life that I ever imagined would be at this stage. I imagined I would finally be at peace with my husband and we would spend quiet hours together walking on the beach. No, we’re divorced. I imagined our family would spend wonderful times together at our house making beautiful memories. No, I live in a small condo and my grand-daughter hosts all family gatherings. I imagined the friends I had made would be around to lunch with, laugh and talk and remember with, and pray with. No. Many are no longer even on this earth and the rest have moved far away.
Enter the digital age. Most days, technology feels designed to confound me. Thank goodness for grandchildren who can translate the digital world for me. And then there is Zoom. I have six meetings a week on Zoom with people from all over the world. Some of those people have become so precious to me. They have taught me so much about faith and what it means to be in REAL community. There is a bond with them that I have never before experienced. And none of them live by me.
Grief and adjustment to what is no longer, and looking into a future beyond my human understanding are the two realities I’m holding. Holding tightly to what I have known and lived up to now prevents opening up to the wonders ahead. Transitions are always hard. Until now there have been traces of the old segueing me into the next thing. This transition makes all things new and it’s beginning now. After all, this world is just a training ground for eternity, where I was created to rule and reign with my Lord.
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